This is it. The moment we’ve been waiting for.
We’re so close. Two more episodes, and we’re free again. Free to do what we want with our Wednesday and Thursday evenings, no longer bound by the suspense of futile televised relationships. I might actually achieve something with my life now. Maybe I’ll learn a language, learn to cook lobster. Anything is a possibility with the show’s wrap.
And anything is a possibility indeed, because – spoiler alert – Richie doesn’t win.
It seems that amidst all the hype of Sasha bro-zoning himself and Michael lying about his soccer career, we failed to note the sly but certain friend-zoning of Richie. Ah, the friend-zone, it wouldn’t be a good TV show without it.
In the second last man-shaming episode of 2015, Sam reveals how she feels about the men by choosing specified dates. For Sasha, she books a skydiving adventure, with full awareness that he is terrified of heights.
You’re either with me, or without me.
She basically says very prettily that if Sasha doesn’t jump, he doesn’t deserve to be hers. Sasha impressively jumps, and proceeds to spend the remainder of the day waving the bro-zone goodbye.
Next up, Richie is taken to the snowfields, presumably to lose him there. Richie, who is adorably naïve about his imminent departure, settles down to a romantic afternoon of making snow angels. Now that the warmth of Richie’s awe-inspiring single date is fading, we’re all really just wondering why he’s still here.
I don’t even remember your name.
Sam does her best to convince us of her attraction to Richie, but we can all see Michael dancing in her eyes.
Speaking of the renowned world-class soccer player, Olympian himself, Michael; he enters his single date all suave in moody colours and skinny jeans. He and Sam go whale watching. Sam is unquestionably smitten. Michael takes advantage of her deluded attraction by questioning whether she would ever propose to a guy. She says yes. So he basically tells her to propose to him in the finale. He doesn’t say it in words, but those dark eyes of his are doing all the talking.
Just make it happen okay.
Sam’s been doing some publicising of how “emotional” this episode’s rose ceremony is going to be, so there are high hopes of seeing Sasha walk out, or international model David return, but all we get is one bland rose ceremony with a few girly tears. Richie leaves with some dignity still in tact. Sam tells him that he’s “amazing,” about a million times, and then he’s off, hopefully to become The Bachelor 2016.
For the actual finale, there’s a big hype about New Zealand and its natural wonders. Although we all know who wins, Channel Ten still has the grace to make us sit through Sam’s deep and meaningful heart-to-heart about how it’s anyone’s game.
We watch as the men separately get off the plane. It’s all well and good for Sasha, who’s about to jump in there and claim his bachelorette, but Michael’s really just wasting the plane ticket.
Both men meet Sam’s siblings. Everybody likes everybody, and it’s a bit too pleasant to be interesting. Sasha wins the family approval. Obviously, because he’s got this whole thing in the bag. Worth mentioning, however, is Michael’s face when Sam’s sister calls him a smooth talker.
Me? Smooth talker? I can’t help it if I’m gorgeous.
Sasha isn’t as smooth as Michael, but it works for him. When asked by Sam’s sister (interrogation queen) if he’s in it to establish a profile for himself, he scoffs, “I don’t even have a Facebook profile.” Everyone laughs agreeably. And that’s when the game is up, and Michael should just start running for the hills. Purely for entertainment purposes, here is Sam’s reaction after Sash is done meeting her family.
Sam takes Michael on one last date to try and ease the blow that he’s just not the one. They go white water rafting, and it’s all very glamorous.
So much glamour.
“You might not see me at the end,” Sam jokes obliviously, indicating she may not survive the rafting experience.
“It was a good run,” Michael replies jokingly, and really, do they not see what they’re saying. Michael needs to take a raincheck.
They and their relationship survive a little longer, and though I’m pretty sure the cameraman gets thrown in the water at one point, the two seem relatively pleased at the experience.
They go to some scenic thermal hot spring, and alarm bells are flashing all over the place. Does this not bring back memories? Did none of the bachelors watch the fall of 20 girls from last season’s The Bachelor?
Compare the pair. Both with Sam, both about to be dumped by Sam.
It’s probably a pretty romantic scene, but I got bored and chose to wash my hair instead. Onto Sasha’s date.
They go sailing. Obviously none of these men have done any research into the way this show works, so let me help you out:
Boat = Imminent win
“This is tiring,” Sam confesses partway in. “Like…where’s my cheese platter?”
There is no cheese platter, but lots of kissing, lots of “this feels so perfect,” and lots of expensive modes of transportation. Out of the blue, sentimental guitar music starts playing. It’s the first time we’ve heard this music on the show, and it can only mean one thing. Sasha = The One.
As if he needs to do anything, Sash tells Sam he’s in love with her. She gets emotional. Acts like it’s a game changer, but we already know the truth, so if she could stop playing around and get down to business, that would be lovely.
The great Dumping Of The Almost Bachelor occurs on set of The Hobbit, right in the valleys of New Zealand. She tells Michael he’s not the one, and he’s forced to walk the entire way back up the hill before being taken away back to his fake soccer career.
Sasha enters next, and there is a lot of music indicating surprise and delight and wonder, as if we didn’t already know Sasha was the one. Sam gives him a speech of how great he is, and unlike Michael, Sasha doesn’t seem to catch on to what the verdict is until she comes out and says she loves him. To his credit, he manages to pull off cute TV to Michael’s standard, so I suppose we can settle for his title as reigning champion of The Bachelorette 2015.
Moral of the story, for those planning on entering a reality dating TV show, this is what you need to know: if you get the first kiss, you win everything. – Bonnie Collis
All photos from Network Ten The Bachelorette Site.