So you know his Facebook password and his phone passcode, but should you go snooping?
Social media has changed the dating world. All of our conversations and interactions are logged and accessible to anyone – if we know the right passwords. But if you’re dating, should you have access to your partner’s passwords? Should you then be able to log in and read private messages? Should you expect that level of trust and intimacy to be normal?
As a girlfriend, my first thought was yes, you’re in a relationship, and that means there should be no secrets between you two. However after much consideration, damnation and further investigation, I can see that my girl-logic was warped.
Sure, if your partner is dodgy, has a hacker-level password to his computer and hides his phone away, then you would be concerned because if you have the urge to snoop through is phone or Facebook, it’s a sure fire sign that a fundamental element of your relationship is missing. “There have been couples who see me where there is a lack of trust resulting in spying and hacking accounts, and that only serves to sever the bonds,” says relationship psychologist Gia Razzavotti.
But if the lines of communication are open, and there is genuine foundation of love and trust, then why question (and potentially damage that) by demanding to see a log of his personal communication? Taking an interest in his friends is healthy, gettting jealous and insecure is not, and Gia says there is a fine line between the two.
How do you know if you’re crossing it? “Going too far can include: stalking, hacking into email and social media accounts, threatening the other person, restricting the other person’s freedom and having harmful thoughts about people who interact with your partner,” says Gia.
One big problem with snooping – besides breaking trust – is that you’re more than likely going to take what you read out of context and get the wrong story, just like Facebooker Sophia Grenaldi did. “ I knew my boyfriend’s Facebook password so I decided to do some snooping,” she said. “I came across a message from some girl alluding to condoms, my boyfriend and a party… I immediately called him accusing him of cheating. He hadn’t even read the message yet and had no idea what this random stranger was on about.”
Immediately the trust between the two was broken, and once that’s gone it’s pretty safe to say it isn’t coming back – and neither is the relationship.
So how do you stay on the right side of that imaginary line and take an interest without stalking? You do this:
Don’t make a big deal out of having access – or allowing access – to your phone. You know you want what you can’t have, so if someone doesn’t want you to look at their phone, you want to look at it 10 times more. Avoid that by not making it a thing. In fact pretend you’re Amish if you must.
Try the open door approach. Obviously openness is something that comes more naturally to some, so respect that. If they’re not being open with you ask why, but don’t push it. If they are completely against letting you in to their digital domain of communication, find something else that makes you feel special. It could be something as small as holding your partners hand in a crowd; something that lets the rest of the world know that you guys are most definitely “in lurrrvvee”.
Just please what ever you do, do not become those people who have joint Facebook accounts… nobody needs to see that, it’s worse than pulling teeth and leaves us all like this:
– Bree Hetherington
Gif from Vampire Diaries.
Top photo from Victor Bayon’s Flickr photostream.